The Big Retreat/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know what this is? It's called a skeet thrower. It's for hunters who only like birds that fly in a straight line. This would have been real handy when I had my paper route. But that's just my creative side coming out, bernice hates that. But hey, I've got an even better use for this thing, every man's dream, an automatic beverage dispenser. See when I'm out on the lake fishing, the drinks'll get warm in the sun but if keep the cooler cool in the shade I've got to bring the boat back in every time I need a drink. So in an eight-hour day, that's only going to leave about 12 minutes for fishing but this rig keeps them cold and then when I feel a thirst coming on, I justl on the trigger line and the unit will deliver the drinks right to me. When mohammed can't come to the mountain dew, the mountain dew has to come to mohammed. See, I cut a hole in the bottom of the cooler and lay the cans on their side so they'll roll out one at a time and then I've got this bungee cord to reset the mechanism after each toss. And my trigger line serves a dual purpose, I ran it through an eyelet on the front of the thrower so as I move around the lake, the unit stays aimed right at me. You're probably as impressed with me as I am. Man, I'm getting thirsty, oh... Waiter... Perfect. [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. You know they have those companies that put on seminars for people who like to spend all their time figuring out how come they never get anything done? Well, apparently they're sending a bunch of them up here to possum lodge. I mean, I always think that self-help companies are a waste of money but it's fine if they're going to waste it here. Oh, uncle red, this is so exciting! [ cheers and applause ] boy oh boy! Aren't you excited? This is so exciting! These are very successful people that are coming up here, you know. Yeah, these are movers and shakers. Oh yeah? Yeah. Movers and shakers, losers and fakers, harold. Who cares as long as the cheque clears? Boy, these are the top ceo's in the country. I'll finally have someone to talk to. Well that'll be good for all of us, harold. Hey, you know, if these are high rollers maybe I should get in a couple of kegs and a bunch of cigars and set a room full of poker tables. Oh, no, no, no, they're here to explore nature. Well, those things are my nature, harold. You know, I'm just thinking that maybe I should spend a fair whack of time with these guys. I mean, these guys are winners, harold. Around here, that's an endangered species. That's very true. Red? Yeah? They're here. The ceo's, the movers and shakers? Yeah, I guess. Okay, well, go tell them I'm going to crack open the bar and we'll go down and have a skinny dip, okay? Maybe you better tell them. [ laughter ] they're women! They're women! Woo-hoo! This is excellent! It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon for a free visit to crazy lu's super-competitive discount save-a-torium. Where the motto is, if you can find a cheaper price anywhere else, we'll go over there and buy it before you get a chance to and then we'll sell it to you for our price. Okay, cover your ears, winston. Mr. Green, you have 30 seconds to get winston rothschild to say this word... Yeah, all right. All right, mike. And go! Okay, winston, what do you think of when I say first? Rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. Okay, okay, okay, try this: Number two. Rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. Okay, no, okay, okay. What do you call the place between first and third? Pitcher's mound? No, okay. Remember dalton was having a few problems when he first married anne-marie and he came to you and said he was having certain kinds of thoughts? Suicidal. Okay, no. If you got to a lodge meeting and somebody puts a motion on the floor, what's the next step? I clean it up. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, no. Your cousin is your first cousin but what's his son called? Oh, uncle helen. We're almost out of time, mr. Green. Yeah, okay, let's go another way. There are 60 of these in every minute. Septic overflows. That's why I'm so busy. I'm thinking about getting a second truck. There we go! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You're the man! Welcome to talking to animals. A special treat today is local animal control officer ed frid is bringing us another interesting animal, the cardboard box. Completely wrong as always, red. No, I was just being funny. Wrong again. Okay, okay. This box contains a very rare jumping frog from the amazon jungle. These frogs are excellent jumpers. You're a pretty good jumper yourself, ed. I think he's just hungry. I didn't want to overfeed him because there's holes in the bottom of the box and I just had my truck cleaned. Don't ever transport a wild turkey in the front seat of your vehicle... Especially around thanksgiving. No, I can see that. So what does a jumping frog eat? Oh, flies. Yeah, yeah, I always keep a few on me. Oh, now you got something to feed them to. Rather than desperately trying to be funny, why don't you hold the box for me. Oh, yeah, all right, sure. All right, careful, careful. They love flies. To this frog, each fly is like a filet mignon. Oh yeah, I never had a filet mignon but I love frog legs. Wow! Watch out! Easy, easy. Put him down, put him down! Okay, he's settling down. Okay, he'll be okay for a few moments. Okay, boy, he's got some strong let muscles that guy. Oh yeah. Then when they see a live fly they go really nuts! That's why I only use dead ones. [ buzzing ] oh, they're not all dead. I'll distract the frog, you shoo the fly away. Mr. Frog! Hello! Look over here! Oh! Ooo, ooh! Got him, got him, got him! Okay, hold him, don't let go. I don't think he's in there, ed. Well, where is he? What? [ frog croaking ] shh, shh, shh. I think he's in your pants! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh! Well, he said they love flies. When you're young you can't sit still because there's a great big world out there just waiting for you. When you get older you can't sit still either but that's just the hemorrhoids. The point is, men don't like to sit still for too long. Like when you're driving in the car and all of a sudden you get a charley-horse and your leg flies up, knocks your coffee over spills into the ignition wires, you've got yourself a car fire. I wish I had a nickel for every time that's happened. So when you're on a trip wouldn't it be great to be able to stand up once in a while? The answer is yes. Real men do lots of things standing up. What we need to do is maximize the leg room and then convert some of that leg room into head room. That's not going to do it. I took the back seat out and moved the driver's seat away from the steering wheel. The downside is, you now have less room for passengers. The upside is, you now have less room for passengers. That gives us enough floor space for standing up but we'll move the seat forward so that we can start from the sitting position and then just slide her back when the sciatica starts acting up. Okay, we have a couple of choices here. You could put blocks on the pedals like your dad did with your tricycle or you could hire an ex-basketball player as your chauffeur. I'm going to go with plan a. Now we need to check the headroom. You want the roof to be at least six inches above your head especially if you have potholes. I'm going to need another two-and-a-half feet of headroom, but here again, I only need the extra height when I'm standing up. So what I need is some type of retractable hydraulic lift. Where am I going to find something like that? Oh wait... Now I'll just cut the roof off and mount it on those trunk lifts. With a brain this big, you need extra headroom. Great, cordless saw. Maybe I should have done this with a convertible but we're good to go. I've got my roof mounted on my trunk-raising mechanism so now, when I get tired of sitting, I just slap her into cruise control, slide the seat back and press the trunk release button, which is my way of raising the roof. Then I just stand up until the feeling comes back into my legs. Now, I was going to wear sunglasses to keep the bugs out of my eyes but I put them in the trunk and it doesn't open anymore. Other than that, we're ready for a test drive. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I'm looking forward to a long trip but there was a time I wouldn't stand for it. [ applause ] I need to talk to you guys about a milestone a lot of us have reached. You know, milestones are like kidney stones. You just got to close your eyes, bite your lip and let them pass. I'm guessing that by now you're getting a little long in the tooth and chances are, it's not even your tooth. At this time in our lives, like it or not, we have to start looking dapper. We have to wear nice clothes and we have to keep them clean and pressed. You no longer look good in a baggy sweatshirt. That's because you are a baggy sweatshirt. Those folds and flaps are you. So now your clothes have got to always be neat and completely wrinkle-free. Beauticians say that your full-length fully-clothed appearance should never contain more than 150 wrinkles. Your forehead covers that. So get a hat to cover your forehead. The sad truth is that old guys have to dress better than young guys. Just accept it. I suggest you wear a shirt and tie at breakfast, a three-piece suit when you're washing the car and a tuxedo when you go to church. Look at the bright side, every day you're getting a little closer to your own funeral. It'll save the kids a bundle if you're already dressed for it. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] if you need to get your septic bed moved, call me soon. If you need to get your septic bed to stop moving, call me now. Yeah but I don't know why they can't just leave things the way they are. Well, around here, the way things are doesn't mean that's the way they should be. Boy, everybody tries to change me. Take that as a hint. So we've got these women senior managers up here and it's driving me crazy. I mean, I spend all day restocking the fridge with bottled water and then going around to make sure all the toilet seats are down. I think there's a connection. Well, they're very friendly and they're polite. You know, they've made a huge difference to the whole lodge. They cleaned up all the car parts off the front porch. I didn't know we had a view of the lake. But they're not supposed to be here to wreck my world, harold. I mean, this is a retreat. Yes, it is and you should retreat. No, I just need to re-group, that's all. I'm going to get a chance to do that this afternoon 'cause dalton has rented a bus. He's going to take the ladies on a tour of the area. Oh, that'll be very nice. I think it'll work all right. [ cheers and applause ] can I help you? I think it's dalton! Yes, it is. I cleaned out my car and I found my comb. Boy, these woman are changing you, aren't they? Yes, they are. You know and I kind of like it. I enjoy having them around. It makes me feel almost bubbly. You don't seem yourself at all. Yes, I know. Yes, anne-marie noticed that too. She gave me kind of a funny look at breakfast this morning so I'm going to save my energy all day just in case. Well, see you boys later. Where are you taking the ladies, mr. Humphrey? To my store. I've got a free gift and a corsage for anyone who spends over $200. You know, some of the ladies say I look a little bit like jack nicholson. Boy, they're really getting to you, aren't they? Red, they make me want to be a better salesman. Red: Bill had decided to spend a day out on the lake in a little home-made boat that he made. He tied her up not only to the dock but apparently to his own leg. Away you go, all right. And a little picnic area we have down near the edge of the water there. Bill was taking all of it. Bill doesn't like to make a lot of trips so he likes to try to take everything at once. I mean that's the plan. It doesn't all make it to the destination. Bill hasn't grasped the concept of gravity just yet. So by the time he gets down to the dock there's not too much left but at least he can go fishing, you know. So he jumps into the boat and he's going to get ready to paddle off and he notices the oars -- the oars are gone, bill. No oars. Doesn't quite know what happened there but don't worry about it. Just go get a paddle. Go on get a paddle, all right. Away you go. You know, sometimes you can be looking for something and you can't see it and it jumps straight up and bites you. Okay, there's your paddle. Now he goes back. Now at least you can get going, get your day of fishing in. And he sits down. Now he's got no seat in the boat. So he's starting to think, what the heck is going on around here? Things are like, disappearing like crazy. Well, you got a lawn chair, go get a lawn chair. You got to adapt in life. You've got to go with the flow. Oh, oh, oh... All right, that'll be fine. You can sit on that. You've got your paddle. You should be fine. So he jumps in the boat and... Now we've got no floor in the boat so now he goes back, gets the cooler and now when he comes down to the dock, he sees that the sides and the transom are missing from the boat and he's so struck with that that he doesn't notice the whole dock is also missing. Something very, very strange is going on. So he's just got to -- bill -- bill just sit down, take a deep breath and re-group. I'm not sure that's a complete chair, bill. Boy oh boy, this is starting to feel a bit like the twilight zone for bill and he takes the cooler up and that's not a complete table either and now he's starting to really panic. Like something weird is going on. There's the barrel, what happened there? And the picket fence is gone and this is just very odd. So he decides just to go home and just maybe have a little sleep and maybe this was all a dream of some kind. And he gets there and he sees that his mailbox is okay but there's no post and this is very odd. And then he pulls up in front of the house, and the house is okay but the dog house doesn't look quite right. I don't think it's a complete dog house. You know, this was just a complete misunderstanding as it turns out. In the old days, now, I know they used to call this vandalism but since about '97, I believe it's called recycling. [ applause ] could someone please explain to me why a bag of snacks has to be welded shut? During the playoffs a man could starve to death. Luckily, I have an easy solution. Remember in science class, there was a thing called a bell jar? Me neither. But apparently they would put a ringing bell inside a glass jar and then suck all the air out of the space, kind of what harold does during a conversation. Once the air was out of there, you had a vacuum, you couldn't hear the bell anymore. No such luck with harold. But I figure we can use that same technology to open our bag of snacks, because inside here we've got air pressure, and as soon as it goes into a vacuum, something's gotta give. You don't need a bell jar either, just something air tight and I don't mean an alibi, I'm thinking diving helmet. And you set the whole unit down on a rubber car floormat, smooth side up so you get a good seal. Okay, then you hook up a heavy-duty industrial vacuum cleaner to the breather pipe and that snack bag ll burst open like the seam on moose thompson's Sunday pants. [ cheers and applause ] well, you know, having those women ceo's up here hasn't been too bad. It's given us a break from each other, anyhow. They're nice, they're bright and they smell good. I am so proud of you, uncle red. That always scares me, harold. Hey, I spend 95% of my time with men so this is a new experience for me. Yeah, but things seemed to go a little better once you started talking to them. Yeah, I suppose. You know, when you don't talk to men, they appreciate that. Yeah but see, then you don't know what they're thinking you know and they can't help you with your problems. I know, it's great. Well, I'm still very proud of you. You know, the way you interacted with those women head honchos like that 'cause I know, you're not comfortable around people who have, like, an education or teeth or -- don't ruin it, harold. Well, the point is, men and women, pretty much, we're all the same. Well, that's certainly true in your case. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. Tell the ladies I'll be right down. Oh, they'll be so excited. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting and I've been thinking, hey, I'm the ceo of the lodge, you're the ceo of our home, what say we have a high-level meeting, maybe consider a merger. [ laughter ] to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge... Keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] okay everybody, c'mon hurry up and sit down. Sit down please. Please would you sit down. Thank you. C'mon you guys, sit down. Sit down. All rise, please. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. All right-y, bow your heads for the woman's prayer. I am woman, hear me roar, I'm in charge, get over it. [ cheers and applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com